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diandrahollmanCredits. Seriously, who are these people? Oh, wait...Kenan's still here. And my fast forward is broken, so I guess I have no option to skip any of this if it gets ugly. Awesome.
Benedict begins his monologue by saying that it's great to be here hosting on "the last week of America as we know it". Hahahaha[insert about five minutes of hysterical sobbing here]ha. He says he realizes things are really tense in America, so he's going to offer the solution the British have for when things get really bad and the whole world seems to have lost it's fucking mind: "we drink". A lot. Way ahead of you, buddy. Also, does this mean you guys spent, like, two thirds of this past summer completely blitzed?
Benedict says this is the opening weekend of Doctor Strange, which is exciting because he's playing the lead in a major Hollywood film so maybe people will start to recognize his name. Ha. Just kidding. He says they don't really know HIM though, so he's going to give the great American pasttime of "bragging" a try to introduce himself. All the sexier ladies of the cast come out in slinky black dresses and he starts singing some variation on "Shaft" or something. Leslie Jones declares herself one of his "Cumberbitches", which is his cue to grumble about that name again like it's shameful even though it's not meant to be derogatory. He says they're a bunch of lovely people, really, and they've formed these online groups where they write fan fiction and it's all very "unsettling". Leslie asks if he's read her story about Sherlock Holmes and the Case of the Missing Underwear. Sigh. Can we please stop using him as ammunition against fans? It's very tiresome and insulting to the ones that aren't crazy to stereotype all of them as crazy, obsessive stalkers.
MOVING ON. He admits that he always seems to be playing some sort of genius. Yeah, it's called typecasting and it's why you don't have an Oscar yet. You need to find your Forrest Gump. Leslie holds up her arm and asks if he can check this "lump" she has. He stops singing and says yeah, um...he's not a real doctor and that's not a lump. It's her breast. She holds up her other arm and asks if she can get a second opinion. "Maybe later," he deadpans and she steps aside while he goes back to singing about how much the ladies love him. Kate reappears, dressed to look like Tilda Swinton's Doctor Strange character. Benedict asks how she got here. She says she opened a portal. Or, you know, took an Uber. She offers to do a "riff" with him, which apparently involves just shrieking into the microphone at glass shattering decibels. It just devolves from there.
And we go to a commercial parodying the original Apple "1984" commercial, the best-remembered Super Bowl commercial since we made Super Bowl commercials a thing. Except everyone in the audience is sitting on toilets and the "Big Brother" on the screen is talking about how there has only ever been this one boring toilet design, which was made to make people look stupid. Pretty sure it was made to look like a chair, but what do I know? He says this is deliberate and the way things must. always. be. The girl throwing a hammer into the screen has been replaced in this version of the ad by Benedict seemingly doing an impression of Neo. Except instead of throwing it at the screen, he uses the hammer to break open a box with another toilet. Big Brother raves that that is NOT an approved design and what the hell is it? Benedict says it's "the future" and takes his pants off and straddles it backward like maybe he's positioning himself to start humping the tank. I'm so glad I'm drunk right now. I know I've said this show has been circling the drain for a long time, but here we have it: they have resorted to literal toilet jokes.
He leans on the tank, arms crossed, while Big Brother squawks about how nobody has EVER looked cool while using a toilet and THIS CHANGES EVERYTHING! He screams and the screen shorts out like in the original ad. The female announcer says "introducing the Khool Toilet, by Kholer" and raves about how cool you will look using it. Benedict stands up again, puts his pants back on and lights a match. I really don't want to know where this is headed. Actually, apparently it's just supposed to look like he's illuminating the dazzled faces of the crowd that has broken free of Big Brother's screen. Or, in hindsight from the original ad, like a gullible Apple fanatic distracted by shiny objects. Then he walks away, picking a wedgie and totally ruining the look while the announcer says that the toilet is already available in Japan. Of course it is.
Benedict begins his monologue by saying that it's great to be here hosting on "the last week of America as we know it". Hahahaha[insert about five minutes of hysterical sobbing here]ha. He says he realizes things are really tense in America, so he's going to offer the solution the British have for when things get really bad and the whole world seems to have lost it's fucking mind: "we drink". A lot. Way ahead of you, buddy. Also, does this mean you guys spent, like, two thirds of this past summer completely blitzed?
Benedict says this is the opening weekend of Doctor Strange, which is exciting because he's playing the lead in a major Hollywood film so maybe people will start to recognize his name. Ha. Just kidding. He says they don't really know HIM though, so he's going to give the great American pasttime of "bragging" a try to introduce himself. All the sexier ladies of the cast come out in slinky black dresses and he starts singing some variation on "Shaft" or something. Leslie Jones declares herself one of his "Cumberbitches", which is his cue to grumble about that name again like it's shameful even though it's not meant to be derogatory. He says they're a bunch of lovely people, really, and they've formed these online groups where they write fan fiction and it's all very "unsettling". Leslie asks if he's read her story about Sherlock Holmes and the Case of the Missing Underwear. Sigh. Can we please stop using him as ammunition against fans? It's very tiresome and insulting to the ones that aren't crazy to stereotype all of them as crazy, obsessive stalkers.
MOVING ON. He admits that he always seems to be playing some sort of genius. Yeah, it's called typecasting and it's why you don't have an Oscar yet. You need to find your Forrest Gump. Leslie holds up her arm and asks if he can check this "lump" she has. He stops singing and says yeah, um...he's not a real doctor and that's not a lump. It's her breast. She holds up her other arm and asks if she can get a second opinion. "Maybe later," he deadpans and she steps aside while he goes back to singing about how much the ladies love him. Kate reappears, dressed to look like Tilda Swinton's Doctor Strange character. Benedict asks how she got here. She says she opened a portal. Or, you know, took an Uber. She offers to do a "riff" with him, which apparently involves just shrieking into the microphone at glass shattering decibels. It just devolves from there.
And we go to a commercial parodying the original Apple "1984" commercial, the best-remembered Super Bowl commercial since we made Super Bowl commercials a thing. Except everyone in the audience is sitting on toilets and the "Big Brother" on the screen is talking about how there has only ever been this one boring toilet design, which was made to make people look stupid. Pretty sure it was made to look like a chair, but what do I know? He says this is deliberate and the way things must. always. be. The girl throwing a hammer into the screen has been replaced in this version of the ad by Benedict seemingly doing an impression of Neo. Except instead of throwing it at the screen, he uses the hammer to break open a box with another toilet. Big Brother raves that that is NOT an approved design and what the hell is it? Benedict says it's "the future" and takes his pants off and straddles it backward like maybe he's positioning himself to start humping the tank. I'm so glad I'm drunk right now. I know I've said this show has been circling the drain for a long time, but here we have it: they have resorted to literal toilet jokes.
He leans on the tank, arms crossed, while Big Brother squawks about how nobody has EVER looked cool while using a toilet and THIS CHANGES EVERYTHING! He screams and the screen shorts out like in the original ad. The female announcer says "introducing the Khool Toilet, by Kholer" and raves about how cool you will look using it. Benedict stands up again, puts his pants back on and lights a match. I really don't want to know where this is headed. Actually, apparently it's just supposed to look like he's illuminating the dazzled faces of the crowd that has broken free of Big Brother's screen. Or, in hindsight from the original ad, like a gullible Apple fanatic distracted by shiny objects. Then he walks away, picking a wedgie and totally ruining the look while the announcer says that the toilet is already available in Japan. Of course it is.
