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diandrahollmanAs we begin the next sketch, my eyeballs are still floating in Goldschlagger. Hopefully that won't affect my recapping abilities too much.
Beck and some other guy enter a warehouse and uncover a very slapped together looking bomb. They are acting like they are in an action movie, spewing lines about the bomb "turning this place into the inside of a Cuisinart" and fretting about which wire to cut. A phone rings. Beck answers. "Girls and boys come out to play. The moon doth shine as bright as day," Benedict voice overs. We cut to him on the other side of the stage (probably) as he introduces himself to "Slade" as "Jack" and spews a string of rhyming nonsense that I am far too drunk to follow that ends with "would you like to play a game, Slade?" We pan out to show that he is surrounded by the chick that played Gemma in the last sketch and...some guy as he tells "Slade" that he is standing next to 600 grams of C4 and he's holding the detonator. If he wants it deactivated, he needs to answer a question. "If Johnny's mother had three children - one was April one was May - what was the name of the other child?" He gives them sixty seconds and hangs up. Then he and the two "henchmen" sit twiddling their thumbs awkwardly. "You guys seen Stranger Things," the guy asks. "I hear it's actually based on a true story." Jack starts a threat about what he will do to the henchman if he brings up that fucking show ONE MORE TIME when the phone rings. Slade says the answer is "Johnny". Jesus fucking Christ, I'm so drunk I actually fell for the oldest trick question in the book. Jack congratulates him and says killing him will obviously be more difficult than he anticipated. But, you know, there's still that case of ammonium nitrate he left in Slade's car outside. Slade protests that he's parked outside a SCHOOL and there are KIDS in there! Wait...what time is it? Wasn't it dark outside? Oh, fuck it.
Jack gives him the second riddle: a six letter word that becomes twelve when one is taken away. He gives him sixty seconds again and hangs up. The female henchman says she has a question. "Don't get mad, but...do you have to do the riddles?" Jack points out that he needs a THING or he's just a common thief. She says yeah, right, but...do we really need them? The male henchman suggests it might be better if they were...like...pictures. You know, like those things where you have to guess how many jelly beans are in a jar. Jack shoots him a look like 'if I didn't owe your father a major debt, sharks would be playing tug of war with your kidneys right now'. The phone rings again.
"Dozens," Slade says. "Take away the s and you have dozen." Jack is like hahaha...you're pretty clever, aren't you? He covers the mouthpiece and grumbles "he got it". Female henchman shrugs like 'I told you this was stupid.' He shakes it off, vowing that Slade can't possibly get THIS one, and turns back to the receiver to announce that the clicking noise they are about to hear is every door in the warehouse locking. They have ten minutes to live. Or one minute to answer one more riddle. Because if it works for James Bond's nemeses...oh, wait...it doesn't? Fuck. "I am full of keys, but cannot open a door." Slade interrupts with "a piano" before he can hang up. Jack splutters and says um...yeah. He tries another one: I always come, but I never arrive today. "Tomorrow," says Slade. Jack is like 'fucking hell' and scrambles for another one. "Who lives in a pineapple under the sea?" Seriously? Slade says Spongebob and Jack says that's it, he's blowing up the school. Slade protests that this game is fuuuuuun and begs for another one as he hangs up.
Wait. That's it? Is it just me or are all the skits ending on a weird note today? On a side note: if we do ever get Tom Hiddleston cast as James Bond, can Benedict play a villain in one of his movies? kthanksbye
Beck and some other guy enter a warehouse and uncover a very slapped together looking bomb. They are acting like they are in an action movie, spewing lines about the bomb "turning this place into the inside of a Cuisinart" and fretting about which wire to cut. A phone rings. Beck answers. "Girls and boys come out to play. The moon doth shine as bright as day," Benedict voice overs. We cut to him on the other side of the stage (probably) as he introduces himself to "Slade" as "Jack" and spews a string of rhyming nonsense that I am far too drunk to follow that ends with "would you like to play a game, Slade?" We pan out to show that he is surrounded by the chick that played Gemma in the last sketch and...some guy as he tells "Slade" that he is standing next to 600 grams of C4 and he's holding the detonator. If he wants it deactivated, he needs to answer a question. "If Johnny's mother had three children - one was April one was May - what was the name of the other child?" He gives them sixty seconds and hangs up. Then he and the two "henchmen" sit twiddling their thumbs awkwardly. "You guys seen Stranger Things," the guy asks. "I hear it's actually based on a true story." Jack starts a threat about what he will do to the henchman if he brings up that fucking show ONE MORE TIME when the phone rings. Slade says the answer is "Johnny". Jesus fucking Christ, I'm so drunk I actually fell for the oldest trick question in the book. Jack congratulates him and says killing him will obviously be more difficult than he anticipated. But, you know, there's still that case of ammonium nitrate he left in Slade's car outside. Slade protests that he's parked outside a SCHOOL and there are KIDS in there! Wait...what time is it? Wasn't it dark outside? Oh, fuck it.
Jack gives him the second riddle: a six letter word that becomes twelve when one is taken away. He gives him sixty seconds again and hangs up. The female henchman says she has a question. "Don't get mad, but...do you have to do the riddles?" Jack points out that he needs a THING or he's just a common thief. She says yeah, right, but...do we really need them? The male henchman suggests it might be better if they were...like...pictures. You know, like those things where you have to guess how many jelly beans are in a jar. Jack shoots him a look like 'if I didn't owe your father a major debt, sharks would be playing tug of war with your kidneys right now'. The phone rings again.
"Dozens," Slade says. "Take away the s and you have dozen." Jack is like hahaha...you're pretty clever, aren't you? He covers the mouthpiece and grumbles "he got it". Female henchman shrugs like 'I told you this was stupid.' He shakes it off, vowing that Slade can't possibly get THIS one, and turns back to the receiver to announce that the clicking noise they are about to hear is every door in the warehouse locking. They have ten minutes to live. Or one minute to answer one more riddle. Because if it works for James Bond's nemeses...oh, wait...it doesn't? Fuck. "I am full of keys, but cannot open a door." Slade interrupts with "a piano" before he can hang up. Jack splutters and says um...yeah. He tries another one: I always come, but I never arrive today. "Tomorrow," says Slade. Jack is like 'fucking hell' and scrambles for another one. "Who lives in a pineapple under the sea?" Seriously? Slade says Spongebob and Jack says that's it, he's blowing up the school. Slade protests that this game is fuuuuuun and begs for another one as he hangs up.
Wait. That's it? Is it just me or are all the skits ending on a weird note today? On a side note: if we do ever get Tom Hiddleston cast as James Bond, can Benedict play a villain in one of his movies? kthanksbye
