Lost - Episode 6x16

[diandrahollman]

Ep 16 - What They Died For

So I spent most of the day trying to divine solutions to limitations in various Office programs, which totally taxed my brain and felt like stubbornly trying to fit a square peg into a round hole. For a while I wished I could just go home and vegetate and NOT THINK for the rest of the night. Then I remembered what day it was and realized that wasn't going to happen.

I spent the hour before the show started screaming in pain every minute or so from something I still haven't identified. It feels like I was bitten by about a dozen fire ants, but I wasn't and I can't figure out what it *could* be. Luckily, the ibuprofen kicked in by the time the show started.

I mention all this because I suspect I may start sounding really loopy and stupid at some point in this review and I wanted y'all to know why.

 

Yay, all the main characters are back! And we get to watch half of them die again in the previouslies. Because that wasn't horribly painful enough the first time.

And we open on Jack's eye. For the dozenth time. Is it significant that it's in the sideways world?

That blood spot on his neck is getting really worrisome. It lends weight to my possibly previously unvoiced theory though: that it's coming from whatever is happening in the original verse in the *finale*, not, as we previously assumed, from the season opener with the bomb going off. I would say this doesn't bode well for Jack, but...

Oh, you're having a concert, David? And mom will be there? Does that mean we'll see Juliet by the end of this episode and finally answer that question about your parentage? *searches credits for Elizabeth Mitchell or, hell, Julie Bowen and finds only Michelle Rodriguez* Yeah, there's no way they're coming *that* far out of left field. Damnit.

Why is David concerned about Jack acting weird around mom? Because he still likes her or because they split on less than amiable terms? Considering he only has visitation rights one weekend a month, I suppose the latter is more likely... If I was willing to accept that anyone other than Juliet is his mother, I would take this as evidence it could be Sarah.

Oh, right. Claire is living with Jack now. Awww, isn't that cute? Also? Couldn't find a more realistic looking pregnancy pad? And shouldn't David be more weirded out by this whole scenario?

Oceanic finally found Christian's coffin? Did they look in side to make sure it was the right coffin? I mean, considering the circumstances I'd say it's entirely likely somebody else is in it. If it isn't empty. Wait, *Desmond* is calling Jack about his father's coffin? Where did he say it is and why does he need Jack to go there?

The bullet was a through-and-through, huh? Sure. And we have another callback to the pilot for the Jaters: Jack sewing Kate up with makeshift sutures. Yes, Kate, you probably do have to kill Locke, but good luck with *that*.

Jack seems to have mellowed out very quickly after that underwater massacre that finally got him to cry after a year of oddly tear-free episodes. And Kate is crying on Sawyer's shoulder. Yeah. This triangle thing will never be any more than a minor annoyance to me. Sorry.

What happened to sweet Desmond the special snowflake pacifist? I mean, beating up Ben obviously worked to flash him to the other side (and let's face it: who *doesn't* want to punch Ben?), but...Desmond? Come back toward the light, sweetie!

Miles: "Well, I lived in those houses thirty years before you did! Otherwise known as last week."
Best line of the whole show. Right there. No contest.

I *heart* this whole Ben/Richard/Miles A-Team scene. THe whole thing is just golden. Maybe this should be the spinoff?

Oh, look, it's Zoe and Widmore. Zzzzzzzzzz... Oh, Widmore is supposedly working for Jacob too? Win one for team Smokey.

Continuing with the mirror theme I see. Has everyone in the sideways world looked significantly at their reflection now?

Desmond turns himself in to Detective Ford and gets put in a cell block with Sayid and Kate. There is not one part of this that comes across as a good thing.

Let's pause on the Jawyer scene, shall we? Since it's one of the last? *sniffle* Poor Sawyer just realized he killed everyone by not believing Jack when Jack sounded like a crazy person. (No, really, just LET THE BOMB TICK DOWN TO ZERO! Trust me! I know what I'm doing!) Kudos to Jack for lying and reassuring him he didn't do it - even if Sawyer obviously doesn't believe it. But...would it have killed Jack to give the guy a hug? Is that too much to ask?

Guh. I need to go write Sideways!Jawyer porn.

Kate is not looking good at all. She's not going to survive long, is she?

So Jacob takes his ashes from Hurley in his boy form and throws them in the fire in his adult form and announces that when they burn off he'll disappear. That may be the craziest, most nonsensical sentance I ever wrote. Thanks, Darlton.

That fan promo is awesomesauce. Was it fan *made* or just fan storyboarded and professionally realized? I am really hoping right now that the fandom doesn't die when the show is over because it obviously has some of the most amazing creative geniuses in its ranks.

Great, now the characters are constantly reminding us that the show is almost over. WAAAAHHHHHHH!!!!

Miles: "If you need me, I'll be running through the jungle".
Me: *hugs Miles, sobbing* I'M GOING TO MISS YOU!!!!

What the hell did Smokey just do to Richard? He can't *kill* him, right? He's still immortal?

Ben, who had a redemption story a couple months back wherein he apologized for killing the real Locke: Yeah, sure, I'll kill people for you, creepy entity wearing Locke's face!
Me: *facepalm*

Sideways!Alex: But why would anyone want to hurt you, Mr. Linus? You're like a sweet little cuddly kitten! Here, why don't you go on a date with my non-crazy French mother? That'll cheer you up.
Sideways!Danielle: You're coming to dinner if I have to kidnap you!
Me: Oh, that's really cute, writers. Really cute.

You know, they're kind of cute for a couple who's only connection to each other in the "original" verse was the daughter Ben kidnapped. Also? Sideways!Ben is kind of adorable. "Really? She loves me like a father? Damnit, I have something in my eye...it's the onions, really! No, I'm not crying!"

Goodbye, Zoe. We won't miss you. At all. Let's face it: Widmore telling her not to talk didn't make her pointless. She was already pointless.

Goodbye, Widmore. Uh...ditto. And Ben killing you makes perfect sense regardless of how much he's redeemed himself this season. It's certainly better than his original plan of "you killed my daughter so I'm going to kill yours because she's not a totally sweet woman and the love of Desmond's life". I've always thought Ben was one of the best non-villain villains ever.

So why exactly can everyone see Jacob suddenly? Did Mr. Plot Contrivance fly by and I missed it?

Jacob: Hi, welcome. Gather around the fire and I will explain exactly why you are all here and what this whole show has been about.
Holy shit, it really is almost over. Sniffle.

Sidways!Locke: Okay, Jack, you can fix me.
Jack: Wait, you were on the same plane with me and you landed in my OR and you strung that together with a bunch of things people said that sounded familiar because we're recycling lines left and right to drive home the merging realities thing, did a 180 and decided to let me operate because fate is bringing this all together? "I think you're mistaking coincidences for fate"
The Ghost of Eko: Bitch, don't steal my lines.

Seriously, the barrage of callbacks to all seasons and character backstories is starting to make me dizzy. It's all happening in the Sideways!Verse though, right? It's a sign that what happened, happens?

Re: Jack asking if Locke thinks he sent somebody to run him over. Is that how they have to defeat him in the "original" verse? Kill him in the Sideways? What happens if Locke dies on Jack's operating table?

The "you and everyone you care about could die if you don't win this war" thing almost redeems the silliness of the black/white, good/evilcliche stuff. It's not about evil being unleashed on the world, it's about protecting the people they love, which was why the Oceanic 6 told "the lie" too.

Jacob: I chose you all because you're all flawed and alone.
My translation: I chose you because you're all human and pathetic.

Hallelujah, a reason for Kate being taken off the list that doesn't make me want to stab somebody. You made a connection to another human being who needs you. Congratulations. You're off island duty. The rest of you pathetic losers step forward. Apparently Jacob is all about free will suddenly (?!) as he's letting the candidates decide who will ultimately take his job. Let's see...we've got Hurley with the dead girlfriend, part-time deadbeat dad and shitty luck (in this universe) and the minute he leaves the island he'll probably check himself into a mental hospital. Again. Sawyer, who has ABSOLUTELY NO ONE to go back to in this reality, has taken care of his "kill the guy who killed my parents" mission, will probably eventually have the law coming after him for that guy in Australia he killed, and has basically had everything that was ever good in his life taken away. Yeah, I can see why he was a strong candidate. And then there's Jack. Good old saint Jack with the dead father, crazy step-sister and ex-wife who practically ripped his balls off through his sternum when she left. And when he had a chance to settle down with Kate and make a connection like she did, he chose to chase her away, get wasted and make it his life's mission to go back to the island because THERE'S SOMETHING I'M SUPPOSED TO DO THERE DAMNIT!

My mother: It has to be Jack. He's always sacrificing himself.
Jack (about .042 seconds later): I'll do it.

But...is that set in stone now or can it still change? I mean...we all knew it was coming but it seems kind of early yet.

Sawyer: And I thought that guy had a God complex before...
Bless you, Sawyer.

So last week I asked if there was a source for the immortality wine Jacob and Richard drank. This week, all Jacob has to do is chant over a random stream of water and make Jack drink from it? *headdesk* Sure. Whatever. We couldn't just find a convenient bottle of wine Smokey didn't smash? That would have been less laughable.

"Now you're like me" Yeah, that would have made more sense if you hadn't been stabbed to death and thrown in a fire at the end of last season. Seriously, how is he incarnate again? Is he using the same voodoo Smokey uses when he takes human form? And why wasn't he doing that before? Are the rules changing or am I just not understanding them?

Ana Lucia is still a cop in the Sideways!Verse, huh? And Desmond paid her off to free the three wildcards? And they're going to a concert. The same one David and his parents are going to, isn't it?

Well, Jack and the rest of the loser brigade obviously never made it to the well to free Desmond, so...did Sayid throw down the rope before he left? Sort of like he gave Jin a razor and walked away in the Sideways? Here, free yourself. I have bombs that need detonating. Is this "Desmond is the failsafe" revelation a good thing? I mean...he's shoving characters together and pushing plot points forward with all the subtlety of a bull in a china shop (yes, I am mixing my metaphors...I've been dead tired and in residual pain for the past two hours. Bite me).

Smokey the Locke Monster: "I'm gonna destroy the island"
Me: *remembers island underwater in season premiere*
*remembers "sideways is actually reincarnation-like flashforward" theory and Jack's blood smear in the same premiere*

If you'll excuse me, I'm going to go scrape what's left of my brain off the wall it's currently splattered on and try to get some sleep. I'm sure I'll have more to say in the morning, when I'm recovered and mostly coherent again.