Here goes nothing. And yes, I have already started drinking.
The cold open begins with a title card for a show called "Erin Burnett Out Front". I have no idea what that is, but apparently it's on CNN. I don't watch cable news. That's why I'm still (mostly) sane. The sound guys are apparently already having a bad night as she is most of the way through her introduction before we can actually hear anything she's saying. I know it's not a problem with the file I'm using because I can hear the audience laughing, but all I hear of her is "mmmmsshiwinvwopfppprrrrrrrr with us to make their case to voters one last time." Now that we can hear her, she finishes by introducing Hillary Clinton live from Florida and the Great Orange Terror from Colorado. We switch to a split screen of Alec Baldwin - who has achieved a Tina Fey as Palin level of greatness with his Trump impression - and Kate McKinnon.
"Erin" asks how they're doing this week. "Trump" says really great, actually, because "they're all still buying it". What, that you're actually human? "Hillary" says it's been a great week for her too and she especially found losing the big lead she used to have in the polls fun. But she says she's not worried because it may be the bottom of the ninth inning and raining, but she's still going to bring it home and has she mentioned she's a Cubs fan? Trump says no, she isn't. Because the polls that aren't rigged are so...they're VERY CLOSE. In fact, he took one himself moments ago of all the voices in his head.
Erin points out that he traveled to four states just today and how does he find the energy for that? He says in his really deep love for America. "And a really big handful of uppers that are meant for racehorses." Erin says oooooookay then. Let's get to the biggest story of the week. Hillary crosses her fingers and mutters "please be his taxes" over and over. No, of course it's the fucking emails again. Erin reminds everyone that the idiot running the FBI sent a rambling letter to congress about maybe POSSIBLY reopening the investigation for, like, three emails that had nothing to do with Hillary. Because this is the new "Obama is a Kenyan Muslim". Trump says he CALLED it and this is why he doesn't use email: it's too risky. Instead he uses a very private, secure site where he can write whatever brainfart he has at three in the morning and no one will ever read it. Erin is like yeah, um...EVERYONE can see your Tweets, Mr. Trump. Trump makes fish faces and says "...really? And I'm still in this thing?" Yeah. Apparently people find crazy, childish bullies entertaining. Or, he concludes, people must REALLY hate Hillary.
Erin points out that it's "highly unusual" for the FBI to announce something like this so close to the election. Hillary is like "yeah, no shit." She says it's almost like the FBI is TRYING to get Trump elected. Trump says that's ridiculous because the FBI hates him. In fact, he's not even sure what the FBI is. He might have to Google that later. An "FBI agent" appears next to him to say he's getting coffee and ask if Trump wants some. Trump says "no, thanks sweetie" and kisses him full on the lips. I'm going to say something I don't think I've ever said before: God bless Alec Baldwin.
Cut back to Hillary, her mouth hanging open. She raises her hand like she's calling for a teacher and says Erin saw that, right? RIGHT? Erin shrugs and says that doesn't seem like much of a story. Back to the email thing. Yep. Pretty good recap of the insanity that has been the news for the past year or so. Hillary makes a loud, frustrated noise and begs Mark Bennet to please just release one of those racist behind-the-scenes rants from "The Apprentice". Maybe one of him dropping the N-word. That would be nice right about now. Erin stubbornly says there's no evidence there is such a tape. Trump leans his mouth right next to his microphone and says there is. Hillary says SEE?! Somebody needs to RELEASE the shit they have on this guy because she has the whole goddamn Russian government - with the help of Julian Assange - airing out every SPECK of dirt they have on her (and a lot that they don't) while he gets a free pass. Trump is like 'here we go with the Russian government again. Even though I have praised him up and down the entire time the Kenyan Muslim was in office, I will still stubbornly claim to not even know who Putin is. Oops. Is that his name? I don't know. I've never met him.' Another guy...or possibly the same guy but now he's shirtless and made up to look like Putin, sidles up to him and announces that he's going to the store and does Trump need anything? Trump repeats the "no thanks, Sweetie" and kiss on the lips.
Hillary, flailing her hands, points out to Erin that he JUST KISSED PUTIN ON LIVE TELEVISION. Erin shrugs, says that could mean "anything" and she'd really like to get back to the email thing. Hillary makes the loud groaning noise again. Trump says yeah, these emails are a HUGE scandal. Even bigger than Whitewater! Erin says um...that's not quite true. Trump accuses her of "defending" Hillary and being gay for her. Erin points out that that doesn't even make sense. "It doesn't matter because I said it," he says. So now half the country believes it. And by the way, he totes loves the LB community. Erin asks if he means the LGBT community. He says no, just the lesbians and undecideds. The other two can fuck off. You know, the political stuff has always been the one thing this show has done well, even as almost everything else has turned to shit. Now I wonder if that's because it practically writes itself these days. Hillary points out that this is what Trump does: he pretends to be pro gay even though his running mate is all about conversion therapy. He says he's not racist, but the KKK endorses him. This might have happened before the real Trump kicked a black guy out of his rally, calling him a "thug". Trump says no, he doesn't know the KKK. In fact, he has no idea what the KKK even is. Having set up the now predictable joke, a guy...probably the same damn guy again...in a Klan robe and hood appears and says he's going for a run. Does Trump want to come with him? Trump says "no thanks, I'm good, sweetie" and lifts the hood just enough to kiss him on the lips.
Hillary, spluttering, asks if we can talk about this NOW. Erin says yeah...no, they're almost out of time and they really have to get back to this email thing. Hillary takes a meditative stance, takes a deep breath and asks "what is happening?" Nobody knows, dear. Nobody fucking knows. "Is the whole world insane?" Well, America is. Which half of it's people consider to be the whole world, so... She points out that Trump has spent the entire election shitting all over basic human kindness and decency. He's ruined red hats and the color orange for everyone. True story: I glared at some guy who was wearing a red hat before I realized that a) it had nothing to do with Trump and b) he was barely old enough to drive and probably not old enough to vote. I seriously hate this election. Why did I think this recap would help again? She says if people want to elect him president on Tuesday that's fine, but in four years they will come running back to her when they realize their mistake. Yeah. We wouldn't last four years. Please don't do this, America.
Trump says the bottom line is that Hillary is crooked and a liar and she should be in jail and all the other right-wing loon talking points his supporters have been spewing for months. Then he stops mid-sentence and Alec drops the act and says he's tired of yelling this nonsense at Kate. The camera pulls back to show that they're standing a few feet from each other in front of a split backdrop. Kate says yeah, I know, right? This election has been so HORRID. Alec says he feels dirty and asks the audience if they just feel "gross" over this whole thing. The audience cheers. Kate says she knows a way they can feel better about this, takes Alec's hand and runs down the center aisle all the way out of the building.
There's a little montage of them running down the streets of New York, hand in hand, hugging random supporters from the opposite side of the political aisle. So "Trump" is hugging a black guy and some latinos and Hillary is hugging white guys with red hats and shirts that say "Trump that Bitch" (reluctantly). They share a pretzel from a street vendor, kiss babies and get a bunch of people to form a circle and hold hands in Times Square. Then the video stops and Alec and Kate stop running in circles backstage until they're out of breath (at least I hope that's what they were doing) and run back on stage. Alec urges people to get out and vote because "none of this will have mattered" if they don't. And on that high note, "live from New York, it's Saturday Night."
Well, that wasn't so bad. What do you mean I'm not even ten minutes in? Fuck.