diandrahollman: (sherlock)
I am getting very drunk and I should probably be thinking about dinner, so I'll probably quit after this one and start again tomorrow. Assuming I'm not halfway to Canada by this time tomorrow.

This skit is a game show, hosted by a really good looking guy whose name I don't know because seriously, I don't know any of these people anymore. He says his name is Beck Bennett. Stupid name. Oh, wait...hang on, I have to go look something up. Okay, so it turns out this is actually the guy's real name. Sorry. Apparently everybody is playing themselves in this skit. Which is why the first "contestant" is Vanessa Bayer, the second is Aidy Bryant and the third is Benedict, who claims to not remember doing this skit in rehearsals. Beck says yeah, that's great, so let's jump right into the game, which is called "Why is Benedict Cumberbatch Hot?" Like, seriously, the women in the cast have been practically giddy all week and the guys have been trying to figure out what the deal is here. Okay, I reread my recap of the Matthew Fox episode where I complained that there were TWO sketches that boiled down to women throwing themselves at Matthew because he's so gorgeous. Do they literally have NO OTHER IDEAS?

He turns to Vanessa, gives her a thirty second clock and asks her to explain why women fawn over a guy who looks like an otter had sex with an alien. Vanessa is like 'what? You want me to say it right here in front of him?' Beck says yes. Yes, he does. Vanessa gives some rambling, hormonal, girly spew answer about how it has nothing to do with his face, but when she sees him she just wants to UGGHHHHHRRRR. I'm going to go ahead and give the more coherent version of this a friend of mine said recently: no, he's not what you would necessarily consider "attractive" by societal standards. But there is something about him that is sexy anyway. I think it's 30% accent, 30% manner and 70% just his personality in general. Math is not my strong suit when I'm drinking, by the way. I'll double check that later. MY POINT IS....actually, I forgot what my point is. Oh! Right! You know how some people are attractive and then they open their mouth and you find out that they're a racist, misogynist bigot who is totally supporting Trump? Yes, like whatshisface Chachi. This is like that, but in reverse. [Note to self: edit this into something coherent before posting it.]

Beck says okay, that was a lovely non-answer. Next! Aidy gets sixty seconds on the clock...or whatever...and she asks if her answer has to be in English because her feelings toward Benedict would be best described as a series of noises. She proceeds to pant, growl and shout "aoooooooga". The buzzer dings and Benedict is staring into space like 'why am I here. I was nominated for a fucking OSCAR.' Beck asks if they're even looking at the same guy here. No, probably not.

Beck turns to Benedict, restarts the clock and asks him the same question. He says wait...what? How the hell would I know? I personally think I look like Sid from "Ice Age". But, you know, Glamour magazine named him one of the sexiest men alive. I would be surprised if People hasn't at least given him an honorable mention there, but he's probably in the running for future years. Beck splutters and then says oh, wait...yeah, he thinks he knows what it is now. He just has one follow up question and he wants to whisper it, although since he's a guy it's pretty obvious what it's going to be. He walks over and whispers in Benedict's ear. Benedict quickly says no, it's just average size. Beck whispers something else and he says yep, those too. Beck curses and goes back to his podium.

Round two. Beck says he's going to show them pictures of Benedict next to more "classically handsome" American men and ask them who is hotter. He starts with Vanessa and a picture of Benedict with his fluffy Sherlock hair mid-laugh appears on a screen behind him next to a picture of...Beck doing an impression of Ryan Gosling. She says yeah...Benedict. Beck invites her to take her time and really LOOK at the pictures. She says she doesn't have to. He grumbles and moves on to Aidy. This time he has a picture of Benedict during a ginger hair phase captured while he has a very goofy, unattractive expression on his face. The other picture is still Beck, but he's shirtless and showing off his arms in a mirror. Such as they are. He's also doing a duckface. Aidy says well, one of them is making a really weird face, so she's going to have to go with Benedict.

Benedict cuts in to say of those two pictures, Beck has the "hotter one". Beck blinks at him like "why are you making it so hard to hate you?" He says Beck's handsome, has great abs, his skin has a nice even tone and he's also funny and charming and he WAS really nice until this particular sketch and he's enjoyed hanging out with him this past week. Beck starts giggling and acting all fluttery and calls him "Benny", which I seem to recall him joking in an interview is something people who "don't live long" call him. He says Benedict is "striking" and "charming" and "when you look at me I feel...truly...seen." The "correct" bell dings and he declares himself the winner of his own game.

Well, that was...something. If you'll excuse me, I'm going to go sleep this off and start over again tomorrow. Or in a couple days. Or never if Trump wins because I'm serious: if that happens, I'm running for the border.

And I'm really hoping nobody noticed that I just spent the last few minutes deleting and reposting the last two parts of this because I had two windows open and I got confused and kept deleting things. This is why I need Chrissy to mind me when I recap drunk.
diandrahollman: (sherlock)
A few years ago, I recapped an episode of SNL because it was hosted by Matthew Fox, whose movies I was recapping at the time. This despite hardly ever watching the show in recent years because I can no longer remember a time when it was actually funny. I still don't watch it, but I am desperate for a distraction today from the election that nearly caused me a total nervous breakdown and I'm too jittery and unfocused to write fic right now. So I'm going to try recapping Benedict's episode of SNL. Directly on Livejournal. In real time. Without Chrissy. This will probably be a disaster, but it beats spending the night fretting and researching a possible move to Canada.

Here goes nothing. And yes, I have already started drinking.

The cold open begins with a title card for a show called "Erin Burnett Out Front". I have no idea what that is, but apparently it's on CNN. I don't watch cable news. That's why I'm still (mostly) sane. The sound guys are apparently already having a bad night as she is most of the way through her introduction before we can actually hear anything she's saying. I know it's not a problem with the file I'm using because I can hear the audience laughing, but all I hear of her is "mmmmsshiwinvwopfppprrrrrrrr with us to make their case to voters one last time." Now that we can hear her, she finishes by introducing Hillary Clinton live from Florida and the Great Orange Terror from Colorado. We switch to a split screen of Alec Baldwin - who has achieved a Tina Fey as Palin level of greatness with his Trump impression - and Kate McKinnon.

"Erin" asks how they're doing this week. "Trump" says really great, actually, because "they're all still buying it". What, that you're actually human? "Hillary" says it's been a great week for her too and she especially found losing the big lead she used to have in the polls fun. But she says she's not worried because it may be the bottom of the ninth inning and raining, but she's still going to bring it home and has she mentioned she's a Cubs fan? Trump says no, she isn't. Because the polls that aren't rigged are so...they're VERY CLOSE. In fact, he took one himself moments ago of all the voices in his head.

Erin points out that he traveled to four states just today and how does he find the energy for that? He says in his really deep love for America. "And a really big handful of uppers that are meant for racehorses." Erin says oooooookay then. Let's get to the biggest story of the week. Hillary crosses her fingers and mutters "please be his taxes" over and over. No, of course it's the fucking emails again. Erin reminds everyone that the idiot running the FBI sent a rambling letter to congress about maybe POSSIBLY reopening the investigation for, like, three emails that had nothing to do with Hillary. Because this is the new "Obama is a Kenyan Muslim". Trump says he CALLED it and this is why he doesn't use email: it's too risky. Instead he uses a very private, secure site where he can write whatever brainfart he has at three in the morning and no one will ever read it. Erin is like yeah, um...EVERYONE can see your Tweets, Mr. Trump. Trump makes fish faces and says "...really? And I'm still in this thing?" Yeah. Apparently people find crazy, childish bullies entertaining. Or, he concludes, people must REALLY hate Hillary.

Erin points out that it's "highly unusual" for the FBI to announce something like this so close to the election. Hillary is like "yeah, no shit." She says it's almost like the FBI is TRYING to get Trump elected. Trump says that's ridiculous because the FBI hates him. In fact, he's not even sure what the FBI is. He might have to Google that later. An "FBI agent" appears next to him to say he's getting coffee and ask if Trump wants some. Trump says "no, thanks sweetie" and kisses him full on the lips. I'm going to say something I don't think I've ever said before: God bless Alec Baldwin.

Cut back to Hillary, her mouth hanging open. She raises her hand like she's calling for a teacher and says Erin saw that, right? RIGHT? Erin shrugs and says that doesn't seem like much of a story. Back to the email thing. Yep. Pretty good recap of the insanity that has been the news for the past year or so. Hillary makes a loud, frustrated noise and begs Mark Bennet to please just release one of those racist behind-the-scenes rants from "The Apprentice". Maybe one of him dropping the N-word. That would be nice right about now. Erin stubbornly says there's no evidence there is such a tape. Trump leans his mouth right next to his microphone and says there is. Hillary says SEE?! Somebody needs to RELEASE the shit they have on this guy because she has the whole goddamn Russian government - with the help of Julian Assange - airing out every SPECK of dirt they have on her (and a lot that they don't) while he gets a free pass. Trump is like 'here we go with the Russian government again. Even though I have praised him up and down the entire time the Kenyan Muslim was in office, I will still stubbornly claim to not even know who Putin is. Oops. Is that his name? I don't know. I've never met him.' Another guy...or possibly the same guy but now he's shirtless and made up to look like Putin, sidles up to him and announces that he's going to the store and does Trump need anything? Trump repeats the "no thanks, Sweetie" and kiss on the lips.

Hillary, flailing her hands, points out to Erin that he JUST KISSED PUTIN ON LIVE TELEVISION. Erin shrugs, says that could mean "anything" and she'd really like to get back to the email thing. Hillary makes the loud groaning noise again. Trump says yeah, these emails are a HUGE scandal. Even bigger than Whitewater! Erin says um...that's not quite true. Trump accuses her of "defending" Hillary and being gay for her. Erin points out that that doesn't even make sense. "It doesn't matter because I said it," he says. So now half the country believes it. And by the way, he totes loves the LB community. Erin asks if he means the LGBT community. He says no, just the lesbians and undecideds. The other two can fuck off. You know, the political stuff has always been the one thing this show has done well, even as almost everything else has turned to shit. Now I wonder if that's because it practically writes itself these days. Hillary points out that this is what Trump does: he pretends to be pro gay even though his running mate is all about conversion therapy. He says he's not racist, but the KKK endorses him. This might have happened before the real Trump kicked a black guy out of his rally, calling him a "thug". Trump says no, he doesn't know the KKK. In fact, he has no idea what the KKK even is. Having set up the now predictable joke, a guy...probably the same damn guy again...in a Klan robe and hood appears and says he's going for a run. Does Trump want to come with him? Trump says "no thanks, I'm good, sweetie" and lifts the hood just enough to kiss him on the lips.

Hillary, spluttering, asks if we can talk about this NOW. Erin says yeah...no, they're almost out of time and they really have to get back to this email thing. Hillary takes a meditative stance, takes a deep breath and asks "what is happening?" Nobody knows, dear. Nobody fucking knows. "Is the whole world insane?" Well, America is. Which half of it's people consider to be the whole world, so... She points out that Trump has spent the entire election shitting all over basic human kindness and decency. He's ruined red hats and the color orange for everyone. True story: I glared at some guy who was wearing a red hat before I realized that a) it had nothing to do with Trump and b) he was barely old enough to drive and probably not old enough to vote. I seriously hate this election. Why did I think this recap would help again? She says if people want to elect him president on Tuesday that's fine, but in four years they will come running back to her when they realize their mistake. Yeah. We wouldn't last four years. Please don't do this, America.

Trump says the bottom line is that Hillary is crooked and a liar and she should be in jail and all the other right-wing loon talking points his supporters have been spewing for months. Then he stops mid-sentence and Alec drops the act and says he's tired of yelling this nonsense at Kate. The camera pulls back to show that they're standing a few feet from each other in front of a split backdrop. Kate says yeah, I know, right? This election has been so HORRID. Alec says he feels dirty and asks the audience if they just feel "gross" over this whole thing. The audience cheers. Kate says she knows a way they can feel better about this, takes Alec's hand and runs down the center aisle all the way out of the building.

There's a little montage of them running down the streets of New York, hand in hand, hugging random supporters from the opposite side of the political aisle. So "Trump" is hugging a black guy and some latinos and Hillary is hugging white guys with red hats and shirts that say "Trump that Bitch" (reluctantly). They share a pretzel from a street vendor, kiss babies and get a bunch of people to form a circle and hold hands in Times Square. Then the video stops and Alec and Kate stop running in circles backstage until they're out of breath (at least I hope that's what they were doing) and run back on stage. Alec urges people to get out and vote because "none of this will have mattered" if they don't. And on that high note, "live from New York, it's Saturday Night."

Well, that wasn't so bad. What do you mean I'm not even ten minutes in? Fuck.
diandrahollman: (Default)
I would like to apologize to the world for my fellow Americans being stupid enough to elect a lunatic like this AND think she could possibly ever be president one day.


Posted via m.livejournal.com.

diandrahollman: (Default)
I know the world consensus is usually that Americans are a bunch of backward idiots. My greatest fear right now is that we're about to prove you right.

Our presidential election is on Tuesday and Republicans in several states are doing everything they possibly can to make sure the lying psychopath Romney wins. Lying, cheating, rigging voting machines (did you know it's apparently legal for a candidate's son to own the machines people are voting with in America?), you name it.

I don't want to live in a country where this kind of thing can happen so easily. I don't want to live in a country the rest of the world looks down on again. I hate being sneered at when I travel to Europe. I will do everything I can to make sure Obama wins and I hope the UN has Ohio and Florida under close watch on Tuesday because the leaders in those states are doing everything short of ripping up ballots filled out by Democrats (though they are threatening to do that too now). I don't think the world can survive the damage caused by a Romney presidency (day 1: war with Iran).

To my American friends: VOTE! Grab as many of those "unlikely voters" as you can and drag them to the polls! We cannot afford to let apathy decide this election like it did two years ago!

To my Canadian friends: brace yourselves for a potential surge of illegal immigrants/refugees.

To the rest of my international friends: please pray for us.
diandrahollman: (wisconsin)
Okay, so that's not entirely true. I just hate the bigotted assholes who think they can do whatever they want with the country and take it all the way back to the 18th century. We're somewhat protected here in Minnesota, but for how long? Unions are under attack (and workers rights are actually being taken away with GLEE), the middle class is being destroyed and Republican extremists are busily making sure that every woman is prevented from having an abortion even if the pregnancy endangers her life (and they will redefine rape in the process just to add insult to injury).
The Middle East is taking steps toward Democracy and we are moving in EXACTLY THE OPPOSITE DIRECTION and the idiots on Fox News are encouraging this! They have totally poisoned people into thinking that Democracy is a BAD thing that leads to Commie Socialist Nazi-ism (yeah, you try to figure THAT one out).

If this keeps up, I may have to move to Canada after all. Does anybody know how I could go about doing that?


Dear Yahoo,

Dec. 1st, 2010 03:37 pm
diandrahollman: (books)

I wish I didn't have to do this. I really do. For ten years I have been able to check news headlines, weather and new e-mail messages right from my browser homepage. But lately, this convenience has come at too high a price. I could put up with the crappy spam filter that routinely routes get-rich-quick schemes, invitations to join "dating" sites and offers to enhance body parts I don't even have to my inbox. I could even put up with the constant layout changes that make it increasingly impossible to see the links I want to click on around the obnoxious advertisements parading across the page. What I can no longer put up with is the insanity that goes on every day on your news site.

The mere sight of a headline on the homepage that has any connection whatsoever to do with politics makes me cringe because I know it will draw the same hoard of internet trolls who will sling ridiculous (Repukes and Dumbocraps comes to mind) to downright hateful insults at each other and demonize each others' beliefs. Once in a while, some brave soul will beg you to do SOMETHING about the warzone that has become the comments section, but these posts are quickly buried in a barrage of hideous insults and barely coherent rants declaring the President of the United States to be a Nazi. The fact that your company allows this sort of behavior to continue unchecked not only cheapens your credibility as a news source, it enables cyber bullying. I don't know of ANY other legitimate news source that would let this behavior get so totally out of control.

This is not about censorship or denying people’s freedom of speech. The problem here is a total lack of accountability. Anyone can post anything anonymously, no questions asked, without facing any consequences for their abusive behavior. Allowing this to continue as it is just creates a toxic environment where people are afraid to speak their minds for fear of abuse from anonymous, rabid posters.

Since you seem reluctant to offer any sort of solution to this out-of-control problem, Yahoo, I am declaring myself officially done with you. Better yet: I am declaring a boycott of ALL of your services until you address this issue. I have already changed my homepage, cancelled my Flickr account and transferred all of my e-mail to another provider. Most importantly, I will be getting my news from other sources from now on. And I will encourage as many people as I can to do the same.

Disrespectfully yours,

Diandra Hollman

PS - To all those brave souls who are just as discouraged or outraged by the political bullying as I am, please feel free to pass this message on.

ETA: I have no idea if Yahoo.it or Yahoo.au or any of the other variants are as guilty as Yahoo.com on this front so apologies to my non-American flisters if you have no idea what I'm ranting about here. On a more positive note: I have been totally Yahoo-free for two days now and I am MUCH happier! The country is still being fucked sideways, but at least now I can look at the Minnesotans in my neighborhood without assuming they are crazed tea-party nutjobs who would lynch me if they thought they could get away with it. Most of them are just gullible idiots.
diandrahollman: (scream)

This is why we can't have nice things.

For those of you not from Minnesota, allow me to explain. In the rush to vote for anything and everything Republican, the people of Minnesota voted down just about every school district levy in the state. This is my closest district, and the one that was most desperately in need of that money to avoid massive layoffs. This jerk has decided to hide behind a pile of LIES that he clearly pulled directly from his ass to excuse the fact that he thinks...actually, I don't even know WHAT he thinks, if anything at all. His ridiculous claims would be funny if peoples' livelihoods weren't tied to that vote. A lot of people I know could lose their jobs, because a LOT of people I know are teachers, or at least K-12 employees.

The schools went into debt because Governor Pawlenty took away the funding they were supposed to get from the state (taxes). The schools had to resort to begging the voters to help dig them up out of the hole Pawlenty got them into and jerks like this guy - who probably gets all his news from the network of misinformation that is Fox News - shot them down.

Why do I live here? Seriously, I'm surrounded by assholes who live in some fantasy world where teachers are just ROLLING in money, firefighters don't need "training" money, and bridges don't need to be inspected until AFTER they fall into the Mississippi. And it's not even Thanksgiving yet and several trees in my neighboorhood have been knocked over by a blizzard. And it snowed again today. Grrr...

In conclusion, say it with me everyone: 
diandrahollman: (obama)

After the political insanity of the last few months, I - like many people, no doubt - just want to crawl into a hole and escape from "humanity" until possibly Thanksgiving. But I can't. I have to vote tomorrow. Why?

Because I shouldn't have to be afraid that some nutjob will follow me home and terrorize me just because I still have an Obama bumper sticker on my car. But I am.

Because I shouldn't have to flinch and nearly have a heart attack when the man standing next to me in the store makes a sudden move toward me, afraid he will hit me because I am wearing earrings that have donkeys on them. But this is exactly what I did tonight. (Hey, if Rand Paul's supporters can give an unarmed woman a concussion and insist she was "asking for it"...)

Because I shouldn't be afraid to simply voice my opinion without being surrounded by people screaming obsenities and calling me names. Okay, so maybe "afraid" isn't the right word. I am just fed up with constantly being shouted down by rabid fanatics.

Because I was bullied nearly to death in school, but I will not be bullied into silence as an adult too.

Because complaining about how politicians are screwing things up for the rest of us is futile if you just sit at home and let other people decide which politicians will take office for the next term. It may actually be a sign of insanity.

Because I am a Democrat. And Democrats are notorious for giving in to voter apathy on non-presidential elections and staying home. But in Minnesota, at least, this election is too important to sit out. At least if we hope to ever fix the mess Pawlenty is leaving behind and stave off massive layoffs. I know I, at least, stand to lose my job if Emmer gets elected - and I'm not even exaggerating a little, though I certainly wish I was.

I guess what I'm trying to say is...



Oct. 27th, 2010 05:48 pm
diandrahollman: (obama)

I love this person. Anybody else totally want this button? I'd buy it, but I'm afraid some obnoxious reactionary dickhead around here might try to shoot me over it.

I will be glad when this insanity is all over and the extremist tea party nutwads can GO AWAY ALREADY and let the Republicans take their damn party back.
diandrahollman: (scream)

The following is a direct response to (/spoof of) a political ad run by Tom Emmer, gubernatorial candidate for the state of Minnesota.

Rejected script for the Tom Emmer advertisement: 

Narrator: This November 2nd, Minnesotans will have a choice.

(generic "political ad" images)

Narrator con'd: If you think your childrens' education is important and Minnesota needs to dig itself back out of the massive debt Tim Pawlenty has thrown it into, then your choice is Mark Dayton.

(images of gay people marrying, babies being sacrificed to the Devil, etc.)

Narrator con'd: If you oppose the healthcare bill because you still don't understand what it's actually about and were one of those people who was all for reform until Obama's name was attached to it and you think teachers are being paid too much already and you think Tim Pawlenty has done a *great* job balancing the state budget, then you have one good choice: Tom Emmer. Well, actually you have two choices, but let's assume if you can hear this ad that you've already removed your head from the sand.

(images of a smiling Emmer posing with his 15 or so children and hugging Tim Pawlenty)

Narrator con'd: If you've given up on politics all together and are tired of all the bashing and namecalling going on in political ads every goddamn night and you are one of those people who voted for Jesse Ventura to "make a statement", then your choice is Tom Horner. Better yet, you should probably just stay home and sit this election cycle out.

(images from Jesse Ventura's "The Body" ad, college students smoking pot, etc.)

Tom Emmer: I'm Tom Emmer and I approve this message!

paid for by the Tim Pawlenty for President in 2012! campaign.

Don't screw this one up, Minnesota.
diandrahollman: (scream)
This morning Yahoo posted a story about the Forbes list of "most powerful women". Michelle Obama was number one. The first lady being the most powerful woman in the US if not the world is certainly not surprising. Neither, unfortunately, is the way this drew the usual "liberal bias" accusations and ranting about how awful a president Obama is. However, this time some of the comments actively frightened me. They seem to have been taken down now - I must have been reading the article early enough that the most obscenely hateful comments had not been filtered yet - and thank God for that. Phrases like "nigger bitch" and "half-breed Muslim" go well beyond anything that should be protected by the first amendment.

Is this what the Tea Party has done to America? There was a time when Democrats and Republicans could argue issues in a mostly civilized fasion without inciting a riot. I shudder now to think of what could have happened to me in that month before the last election when I was wearing that Obama/Biden pin everywhere I went (I did get yelled at by one guy. In public. In front of a very shocked gentleman).

Of course these same people think Sarah Palin is wonderful and deserves to be elected president in 2012. The fact that this is even being entertained as a possibility scares me shitless.

This is the point when, a year ago, I would find refuge in "Lost" and fandom. I am missing it so much right now.
diandrahollman: (scream)
Shut. The fuck. Up.

You are like small beligerent children who still insist the sky is actually neon purple regardless of all the proof you are presented that it is actually blue. I was hearing about this shit all the way in France, which was EMBARRASSING, to say the least. No wonder the rest of the world thinks Amercians are fucking retarded.

The news must be really dead if this demented behavior is making headlines again.
diandrahollman: (scream)
Shut up.

diandrahollman: (Default)

Then there is University of New Hampshire Survey Center founder and former Gallup Poll managing editor David Moore, who is revealing in a new book that "media polls are not used to uncover the 'will' or thoughts of the public, but rather to manufacture a 'public opinion' that grabs the attention of journalists and can be used to fill media news holes." The methodology used by the major national polls, he says, "give false readings of which candidates voters prefer and what the public wants."

Oh, really? I hadn't noticed. [/sarcasm]

Full article here.

The media should stop treating polls as if they are factual information

Oh, yeah...and apparently women are more likely to vote for McCain because his running mate has a vagina. Right.

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