diandrahollman: (sherlock)
It is now more than a week since the national disaster commonly referred to as Election 2016 and I have graduated from beer to Goldschlagger. Because fuck it, I just don't care anymore. I invited Chrissy to join me for this recap, but she declined, saying she just wasn't ready to laugh quite yet. I told her there wouldn't be much laughing involved because it was Saturday Night Live, but I think all that did was convince her I am insane.

We're in a restaurant called Bobby Flay's Steakhouse and Kenan Thompson - going by the name Gene - is on a date with a twit who admits that this restaurant has convinced her that Atlantic City isn't all "gross" because this restaurant sure is fancy. Gene non-sequiters that Bobby Flay is totally the girl's "celebrity hall pass", which I'm guessing is the new way to refer to people that your significant other would totally let you cheat on them with because who WOULDN'T want to get a leg up on Hugh Jackman. Or, you know, whoever. Gene says he's not judging because his is Mila Kunis. He could have just stopped right there, but he adds "as Meg from Family Guy" in an effort to make it funny. They make goo goo eyes at each other and then Benedict shows up dressed like a punk rock reject and calls Gene his "best bro" and congratulates him on the public action he's getting right now. Hang on a second. [downs entire shot of Goldschlagger and pours another] Okay. I'm ready now.

Gene is like 'um...excuse me, sir? Do I know you?' Benedict is like 'oh, come on, hommie, tag a brother in.' The floozy standing next to him reminds him that she's RIGHT HERE and introduces herself as Gemma in a thick English accent. Gene says no, seriously, who are you? Benedict introduces himself as Ricky Diamonds and reminds Gene that they met in a "Male Body Acceptance workshop". Gene is like oooooohhhhhhh. Right. Gene's...wife apparently... asks what a Male Body Acceptance workshop is and "Ricky" says he had to look at her husband's "junk" and tell him what he found beautiful about it. "And I'm Gemma," interjects the twit on his arm in a vain effort to diffuse the awkwardness. He shoves her into the booth next to the wife and slouches in after her. Wife protests that they were having sort of a date night here. Ricky says that's awesome because he's a Rock and Roll Mentalist, which means, like, he does magic tricks to music. Yeah, I know I'm already getting drunk but...was that supposed to make sense? He adds that this woman next to him is Gemma. She adds that she's British. Ricky notes the coolness of her accent by saying she sounds "like a GPS" and prompting her to say "recalculating". Gene is like uh-huh...sooooooo... Ricky suggests Gene is wondering how they met. Gemma gives the unsolicited answer: at a plastic surgeon's office. "We were both getting our tits done." I don't...I just..


Ricky says something about his show requiring him to show cleavage and grabs Wife's hand, forcing her to feel his chest while he brags about how real it feels. Then he shoves her hand onto Gemma's chest and she babbles that hers isn't paid for yet because she's trying to do a kickstarter. Wife takes her hand back uncomfortably and protests as Gene offers to chip in a little money. Ricky asks if they want to see a trick. Only if it involves making yourself disappear. He pulls a deck of cards from his pants (hopefully the pocket specifically) and hands it to Wife, prompting her to pick a card and then put it back in the deck without showing him. "And then put the deck in your mouth." No, seriously, that was in your POCKET, right? Wife splutters, but follows the instructions. Ricky then hands Gene a gun and asks him to confirm that it's real. Gene is like um...yeah, and it's loaded. And the fact that you are waving it around in public and nobody is even slightly alarmed proves that we are in America right now. Ricky prompts him to hand the gun to Gemma. Wife yelps something around the cards in her mouth and Gene assures her that she's not going to get shot because it's just a trick. Gemma pulls a napkin over her head and holds the gun at ready. Gene points out helpfully that she's aiming at HIM and she should aim one foot to the left. Wife yelps and he reassures her again that it's just a trick.

A waiter arrives to say that they can't have guns in this restaurant and take it from Gemma's hand. Second Amendment enthusiasts will be protesting within the week. Ricky says he's in the middle of an ILLUSION here and would they treat Chris Angel like this? Waiter says "who?" "Oh. My. God," says Ricky in his best Valley Girl impression. He declares the waiter a "dumb dork" for not knowing who Chris Angel is. Twice. Because his ability to come up with more clever insults has been impeded by years of drug abuse. He apologizes to Gene as the waiter leaves, saying they can shoot his wife outside later. Wife says actually, it's been a long night and they really should go. She starts shoving Gene from the booth. Ricky protests that they're being buzzkills here and offers to have Gemma sing something. I down the rest of my second shot, spilling some on myself and am too distracted in the effort of dabbing at the stain to do much more than listen to the horrible combination of rap and off-key shrieking that follows.

Gene is staring at them with the blank, wide-eyed stare that little performance deserves. Ricky announces that that made him pop a boner and he can tell it did the same for Gene by the way he's squirming in his seat. Gene is like 'what? [nervous laughter] I am not!' Wife says yes, actually, he is and he's REARRANGING something. Gene tells her she should just be grateful he can still do that. Gemma takes this as a sign that her song worked its magic on them.

Wait..that's it? Seriously? Urgh.
diandrahollman: (jacksawyer)
I'm trying to write a "Lost" oneshot. You know, pr0n fluff. So, Ford is taunting Jack and trying to get him to do something he wouldn't normally agree to do because it involves bondage and quasi-public sex (yes, this is the dream sequence from the Sideways story :) ). I figured I'd try to let the characters dictate how the scene would go - just sit back and let the dialog unfold as naturally as possible. Within a half a page, Jack was SO furious that the prospect of Ford EVER having sex with him again was becoming dimmer by the second.

Sigh. Back to the drawing board.
diandrahollman: (scream)
 Well, I do. I REALLY do. I have learned that at least a half a dozen people I know voted for the Republican candidate for governor of Minnesota JUST because he is pro-life. Because, you know, it TOTALLY makes sense to royally fuck up your child's education and their FUTURE LIFE IN GENERAL just to possibly make sure that no woman ever has the choice to have an abortion again. BECAUSE A STATE GOVERNOR COULD ACTUALLY HAVE A SAY IN SOMETHING LIKE ROE V WADE.

*beats head on desk until a bloody lump forms*

Also? Some woman had a shit fit because I tried to back out of a parking spot while she was driving down the row this afternoon. I stopped, and I never came ANYWHERE NEAR hitting her or blocking her path but that didn't stop her from HAVING A SCREAMING FIT AND WAITING IN HER CAR JUST SO SHE COULD FLIP ME OFF AS I DROVE PAST.

diandrahollman: (Default)
After the wreckage that was the Oscars I was looking forward to seeing the Emmys where several people I actually liked were up for awards - a rare occurance since I don't have cable - and many of them seemed to have a real shot at winning. But once again, every award went to shows I don't even care to watch. Furthermore, "Lost" was completely screwed over in EVERY CATEGORY IT WAS NOMINATED FOR (I'm pretty sure everyone in the audience at least expected it to win best drama or, you know, SOMETHING) and, once again, Hugh Laurie was completely ignored. The one bright point as far as I was concerned was Jon Stewart winning best variety show. But even that was an example of the Emmy voters awarding all the same damn shows they've awarded for at least the last two years in a row. Every other person who won already has at least one award and yet they didn't vote for Tony Shaloub. I DON"T UNDERSTAND THESE PEOPLE!!!!

ETA: Okay, and Jane Lynch was a high point, but everyone could see that win coming a mile away.

August 2017

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